Atheism, family, and love.

I know I haven't posted in a long time, and who knows who will even realize that this is even up. But let's move past that.

I just read an article on Slate.com (a very liberal "news"-ish site) written by a young, female atheist who spends her time blogging, writing, going to conferences, etc. to spread the message of atheism and raise awareness of various human rights issues. Anyway, the point of the article was that she had begun to realize that the worst sexism and horrible comments the came her way online (death threats, rape threats, etc) were not coming from the right-wing that disagreed with her (although there were some from them too). But rather, they were coming from people on "her own team". So she decided to start speaking out about this. And it got much, much worse. I don't know if I even finished reading the article, but it made me so sad. She seemed so disillusioned, having compared the familial feeling she felt in her community of atheists to what "christians must feel in a church", only to find that they were the worst of her attackers. I admit, to my shame, that part of me was relieved. Relieved that for once, I wasn't hearing again how badly the christians were behaving. Finally, the non-believers are worse than us. But how sad for her. To have chosen not to believe in God, and become part of a community that she now feels attacked by. How alone she must feel. And all the while I was reading this, my Pandora station was playing "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong United and then "Wonderful Maker" by Jeremy Camp. And this morning I was reading in Jeremiah, about how God was so frustrated with his people for turning from him, and the pain He felt is so tangible, you can feel it coming off the page. And it brought to mind when Jesus told Jerusalem how he longed to gather them into his arms. I wish I could give this girl a hug.

 I'm not sure what the take-away from this is, other than a stark reminder of how much God loves and a reminder to me to pray, pray, pray for the lost. But I'm also convicted to love my fellow Christians the same way. The ones who disgust me with their hatred and condemnation of others. The ones who make me look bad when I say I'm a christian. We watched the Father of Lights video at church a couple of weeks ago, and it was all amazing, but for me the most shocking part wasn't the miracles that were performed. It was when the people who went to Venice Beach to minister to the lost ran into a group who were running around with signs that talked about condemnation, who shouted through bullhorns to the people that they were going to hell. And the one of the "good guys" talked and prayed a blessing over one of the guys with a bullhorn. He prayed that God would bless him, financially, and with spiritual gifts, and I was so surprised. Could I pray a blessing over one of the people from the Westboro church? Something to wrestle with. What does it mean to love my brothers and sisters in Christ that I disagree with so whole-heartedly? I always stuck with 'just because I have to love them doesn't mean I have to like them!' as a defense when it came to fellow christians I just didn't like. But that's not love at all. You cannot love someone if you don't like them. It's always meant so much more to me that God really LIKES me, than to hear for the 80-millionth time that He loves me. So I'll keep praying for the lost, and for the atheist author, but most especially for my own heart. That God will give me eyes to see and like people, most of all the ones who are hard to love because I expect more of them. To remember how much I've been forgiven and loved and liked despite the stupid things I've said or done. Because when I remember those things, it's much harder to fault anyone else for anything. Please God, make this forgetful girl never forget how much she's been forgiven.

Hey There, Faithful Readers...

This post is the response to recent facebook message from a favorite friend. Warning to any (if there are any?) men: you probably want to avoid point number 3. Unless you're married. Then you might want to draw your wife's attention to it. Enjoy!

1.) "You don't blog anymore. It's sad. I miss it." 

           Ridiculous and falsely humble as it may sound, it always comes as a surprise to me that anyone would read rambling thoughts and happenings of my day. That's not so much humility as it is an insight into my insecurities. Insecurity is probably an issue for almost everyone I've met, and a topic of countless books, magazine articles, etc. (Unless you're my husband, who is one of the most secure, and comfortable-in-his-own-skin people I've ever met. I pray that my children inherit that security from him and that as I continue to believe that what God says is try and embrace my true identity, they will learn their true identities and not struggle like I have.) Honestly, without the topic of the Cherished ministry, I overthink the things that I consider blogging about. My plan is to get back to regular posting in spite of any "what will they think?" type thoughts. I heard someone say once that a person's facebook identity is typically not who they are, but who they want people to think they are. You cultivate your "public face". So I will try to be as honest about who I am, and what I think, in the hopes that as you read this, you see a woman honestly trying to follow Jesus and love him as best she can. Even is you don't approve of the fact that she likes rap AND is a worship leader. 

2.) "Did you decide not to update the Cherished facebook group? How are things going? Still doing something monthly?" 

            That's right, I created a facebook group of people to pray for the Cherished ministry. I hope you're not offended if you're not in it. I invited people who regularly contact me personally and that I know pray over this ministry, so I'm sorry if you would have wanted to be in on that. Anyway, this is something that is difficult for me to talk about. Makes me feel a little sick. In the last 4 months or so, I have felt a diminishing of my 'call' to the Cherished ministry. Part of that is because I took the worship leader position at our church, and time became less and less available, but a big part of it was due to reading "7 Practices of Effective Ministry" by Andy Stanley, Reggie Joiner, and Lane Jones. As a staff at church we read it and went through the questions together. It was really great, and I recommend this book to everyone. It was a chapter called "Narrow the Focus" that really got to me. It was a chapter about cutting prgrams that might be working, but are not contributing as much to the overall mission of the church, rather, they're using resources that could be used in a program that might better feed into the mission. I know that I was supposed to go to the club and do what I did. I can't shake the feeling that my part in it is over. I'm still praying that God will clarify or give me reassurance that this is right, but my gut says it is. I hate quitting. I hate feeling like I started something I thought I might be doing for a decade or more, but this is right. I'm praying that God will give someone else a vision and a plan for how to reach these women. I still plan to stop by occasionally, and make sure they are aware of any outreaches the Vineyard does that could reach them. I just won't be continuing on a steady, monthly basis. Even as I write these things, I can think of a million easy ways to say that I should keep going, except that I'm not supposed to. At least not as the leader or on a regular basis. Please pray for me in this. Pray that God tells me what he wants. That he provides whatever is best for these people. 

3.) "Slightly off-topic, but where does one buy pretty underwear that doesn't come from Victoria's Secret? Also that doesn't cost $250 apiece."

              Married ladies, if you aren't investing or interested in this question, you should be. Speaking from experience, it's so easy to think less about pretty underwear and lingerie the longer you're married. He wants you as you are, right? Everything you had or bought a few years ago still fits, right? You're nursing, and they don't make sexy nursing bras, right? These are all thoughts that have run through my head. But I'm so thankful to have a couple of women who keep me accountable to make sure that I'm putting in the effort to love my husband by loving on my husband. And as men are visual creatures, this includes looking hot ;-) Also, it's just nice to feel pretty (even if no one eles sees). So, in answer to the question, I like sales at department stores and designerintimates.com. Have fun. :-) 

Sometimes I hide in a cave.

My allergies have hit and hit hard this week. Last Sunday my voice was weak in the morning and even worse that night. But the result was that I spent both services we had listening from the audience, instead of focusing on the worship set. The sermon that morning was so amazing for me. Pastor Joe (Papa somehow doesn't seem respectful enough when I'm talking about him as my pastor, lol) told the story of Elijah killing all Jezebel's priests and running to cave to hide when she promised to kill him. God came to him and spoke to Elijah in the gentle whisper, and asked "What are you doing here, Elijah?"


The mental image I have of this makes me want to cry right now. 


So often - more than I would ever want to admit - I forget how much God loves me. Not that I could ever fully grasp it, but it's so comfortable for me to try to earn God's love and affection. For a long time I thought that if I didn't have a knot in my stomach because I felt guilty, it was only because I hadn't remembered what I had done wrong. I somehow taught myself to always be worried because someone was mad, was going to be mad, or God didn't like me and I had to fix something. I noticed that I've been doing that again, with God. When I find myself happy and at peace, I then wrack my brain for what I've got to feel bad about. How crazy is that? But listening to the sermon this Sunday, I immediately pictured myself in a cave, with my back to the light. I pictured myself standing there, crying, because I couldn't find my way out to God. I want to be close to him so much, and I was so sad because I was sure he wouldn't come close because I had done something, or was doing something wrong, and I didn't know what. So I couldn't fix it.


And then I pictured Jesus standing right behind me, saying in the most gentle voice, "What are you doing here, Jessie?" 


Why are you beating yourself up?
Why are you trapping yourself in this despair?
Why are you telling yourself you are not enough?
Don't you know I've always loved you?


And just like that, I'm broken. 
I am free. I am loved. I do not have to be good enough. I know that I never could be. But Jesus loves me, God loves me. The lightness, the freedom that comes from that is so much better than any feeling there is. 


This will not be the last time I struggle with this. But I pray that God will draw closer and closer to me, and that I will fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I have come too far with him to ever experience anything other than complete misery were I to turn back or try to earn his love. I hope you've found the same freedom with him. Any other existence is not enough. He loves you. 

Nothing's Gonna Hold Me Back

This has been a crazy week. There is so much to catch up in the last couple of months, but just to preface with a couple of things:

1. I am not dead. I understand if you might have worried, due to my lack of blogging
2. We have not quit the Cherished ministry, even though I am 3 months behind on posts. That has been somewhat purposeful.

Cherished Update:

Cherished has been going very well. In March we actually went in earlier than usual - it was a really exciting opportunity. There was a community-wide consignment sale held by one of the local churches going on that week and I was contacted by the woman running it (who is one of my favorite people that I rarely get to see - thank goodness for facebook!) who asked if we would be interested in taking vouchers for the women who work at the club. This consignment sale is exclusively for kids: clothes, shoes, books, toys, equipement, anything child-related. It was perfect. There are very few women working at the club who don't have children, and when Natalie and I went in to tell them about it, the reaction was awesome. They were SO excited. I didn't blog about it at the time because there was a chance some of them might come shop when Natalie and I went, and I really didn't want to run the risk that anyone might see someone with me and think "dancer!". None of the girls came and shopped with us, but it was at least a great gift that they really really appreciated. I love giving a gift that meets a need without it feeling too much like charity. It's always a fear of mine that any of the girls think that this is about looking down on them in any sort of condesencion or feeling of superiority. In April we took gifts of Scentsy room deoderants that had necklace charms attached to them. These were a huge hit, and we met a couple of new girls we hadn't met before. We also brought in small versions of our church's Easter flier to give them as an invitation to church. Several of them expressed interest and one acutally sent her kids! It was a really exciting week. This was another visit I postponed blogging in the hopes that some of the girls might come to church and to avoid anyone looking sideways if there was a new person with Natalie and I (although I did share with several people who pray for our ministry - I can't keep that happy of a secret to myself for long!). With all that said, however, I will be discontinuing the Cherished updates on this blog. As it becomes (or feels like it's becoming) a more and more real likelihood that we will be able to build friendships with some of these ladies outside the club, I don't want anyone surfing my facebook profile to find this blog and feel somehow betrayed or condescended to. I'll probably still give brief updates, and prayer requests, but not the detailed accounts that have been my habit. I'm so thankful to everyone for the support, and I still desperately need your prayers, but I want to make sure that no one who comes to church due to this ministry is looked at through the lens of their occupation. I'm starting to realize how much I do that myself, and I know that I would hate for anyone to look at me firstly characterized by the mistakes or decisions I made when I wasn't fully surrendered to Jesus. If that sentence makes sense. :-) 

Life Update:

This past week was sad. TJ's Papaw Hood passed away, and we went to Ashland on Wednesday and Thursday for the viewing and funeral. Our hearts especially hurt for Mamaw. She's such a sweet lady and I hate to see her hurting. It was really great to see some of TJ's cousins we don't see often and I loved getting to know them all better, but the circumstances sucked. Also, on a more whiny note, Stella and I are suffering from allergies and it has us both a little cranky. 

Church Life Update:

Another major life change has been my taking the interim worship leader position at church in March. I love worship so much, and I love leading worship, but it was a bittersweet time. It's also a much harder job than I realized, and that first month was pretty overwhelming. I'm so grateful to everyone who prayed for me and was so encouraging and helpful - and still is! I'm feeling much more comfortable now, and it's really helped me learn more about music theory and playing guitar. I really love it. Worship is my favorite thing - I really would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than anywhere else on Earth. I'm so excited for tomorrow night - we're having a Pulse, which is an evening of extended worship, communion, and baptisms. It's always so awesome and refreshing. 

That was super long. I think that'll do it for now. :-)

Cherished Outreach - February 2012

Well last night was a wonderful, short but hard-won visit. And by hard-won, I mean that it was God that made it possible for this visit to happen.

I'm going to have to give you a little back story this time. Yesterday afternoon while enjoying the beautiful weather with some friends, I seem to have been stung by something. My finger started swelling up faster than anything I've seen (at least on me - the only other time comparable is when Josiah was accidentally hit in the face with a plastic bat by another kid at a party), and I was immediately scared that a) my finger would keep swelling until it exploded and b) that I would have to postpone the Cherished visit. I really didn't want either of these things to happen, so I ran to the medicine cabinet, grabbed some children's benadryl and proceeded to misread the directions and take 3x the recommended dose for an adult. That is very bad. Thank goodness for my friend Stephanie who said, "Um, Jessie, are you sure that's how much you're supposed to be taking?" or I might have taken more. Teaspoon is significantly different than tablespoon.

Fast forward an hour, and I'm starting to feel loopy. I had my friend Natalie drive us to the club, and on the way there, I called TJ's aunt (who is basically a doctor) and she told me I needed to throw up immediately. Natalie and I prayed, because I've never been able to do that before, and ran into the Paddywagon. I know it might not seem like much to you, but I was able to throw up everything in my stomach right away, and for me it was an answered prayer. Thank you to everyone at the Paddywagon for being cool. We went back to the car, prayed, and then went inside.

This month's gifts for the girls were copies of Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Again, if you haven't read this, do it. God loves you, and he's proven it over and over again. For the guys working, Natalie made some great cookies. When we went in, everything seemed a little chaotic and busy. D (the dj) was drilling something into a wall, there seemed to be at least one customer, and several other guys running back and forth who may be new staff. I was still feeling a little loopy, but I think God gave me the grace and control to not show it. "J" immediately ran over to us and gave us hugs, and we headed to the dressing room. As we passed the dj booth, I saw a new guy sitting in the chair and a new girl talking to him. J grabbed her, and pulled her into the dressing room saying, "You've gotta meet these girls!". The new girl gave us her stage name and I was able to talk to her a little and tell her we came to bring a gift to say that God loves you, and we love you. She was really sweet and was quick to tell us that she is just doing this short term. She said that she and her husband attend church and like it. I think she said she has an interview for a waitressing job this week, so we encouraged her in that. However, she did seem like she was on something. While we were standing there, another girl, "A" came in and gave me a hug and seemed excited about the book. I told her it was my favorite and that it was based on a book of the bible, all about how much God loves us. She said she likes to read, and was looking forward to it. We talked a little about her two kids, and how she wants to get into EKU and become a veteranarian because she loves animals. She said her husband doesn't work, and she supports the family. She was as high as anyone I've ever seen, and it broke my heart to hear her dream is one that might seem impossible to her in her present situation. Please pray that she understands her value and gets the strength and will to change her circumstances. While I was talking to these girls, Natalie had a really great conversation with J. J told Natalie that she had had a miscarriage this week, but that it was probably a good thing because she isn't living the way she should. She didn't go into detail about what that meant, but Natalie told her even so, it hurts to lose that little life. They had a very sweet moment together. Natalie was actually able to give her a copy of the book that she had written in and prayed over. Please pray for J, that she sees that this isn't a good environment and she can get another job. Please also pray for the pain of losing a baby. Even if she think it's for the best, it's such a hard thing to go through.

As we headed back out for the door, I saw "P" sitting at the bar and went over to give her a hug. She was drinking, and had probably had a few, but was very excited to see us and excited about the book. We started talking about reading and she shared that she loves to read, but they are the bad romance kind. She also shared something her boyfriend said that was "a joke", but pretty borderline lewd. I just felt a sense of the addiction and perversion that comes with the life some of these girls live, and how it can just affect every area of who you are. After that we headed out, and Natalie took me home. I called Poison Control and they told me to eat food, drink a lot of water and sit with my feet elevated. I cannot say enough about Natalie last night. I leaned heavily on her, and she was great. At the club, and then at my house where she helped me get my kids settled, made me sandwich, cleaned my kitchen, went out and bought juice for me to give to Stella. Then my wonderful little brother James came and played with Josiah until bedtime so that I could relax and rest.

Please pray for all the women who receive a book, especially the ones we didn't get to talk to. Please pray for continued favor with the new management. I hope that as our visit was short, they saw that we aren't a problem (for their business) when we come in. I'm pretty sure that's who the new guys running around were. God has really kept the doors to the club open for us, so please pray that that continues. Thank you so much for your prayers and support.

By the way, I feel much better today. No more benadryl for me. Children's or otherwise.

After a long, full day.

I am thankful.

• for my huge, comfortable chair and ottoman.
• for my husband, who will forgo sleep in the morning so I can go to the eye doctor unencumbered by children, and who likes when I wear my Uggs because that means I'm comfortable.
• for an opportunity to work in an economy like ours.
• for Patty Griffin.
• for my children, who are fussy because they missed me and being at home today.
• for the ability to be a stay-at-home mom.
• for the opportunity to tell lost women that God knows them and he loves them.
• for a God who loves me even when I am so self-focused.
• for a job my husband enjoys so much.
• for jazzercise.
• for a cozy house in the rain.

#thatsahardteaching

I'm listening to the sermon from 2 weeks ago.

We're in the middle of series called #thatsahardteaching. Now that is actually pronouced "Pound - That's a hard teaching" instead of hashtag, because the pastor (ok, he's my dad) likes the emphasis of the word "POUND". :-) It's been a really great series, we've been going through the beautitudes. But 2 weeks ago, he felt called to switch the sermon on Sunday morning. The sermon was ... get ready for it ... women pastors.

GASP!

I don't know about you, but growing up as a Mennonite who didn't agree with women as pastors, this was a highly uncomfortable sermon for me to listen to. And I knew where he was going with it, and I don't disagree with him, but it was and is still slightly uncomfortable. The only thing I can say is that it's hard to undo what you've grown up with. But what I appreciate the most is the constant question he asks: "What does the Bible say about what the Bible says?" - and I'm challenged again to back up why I believe what I believe. This year I've been refreshed and blessed with a new hunger and thirst to read the Word. I started a "read-it-in-one-year" reading plan on the 2nd of January (I'm a rebel like that) and I'm enjoying it so much more than I expected. Even before this sermon I've been experiencing the exciting discomfort that comes from growth - seeing pride in places I didn't want to admit I was keeping it. Seeing a condescending, judgemental attitude I didn't want to admit I harbored. Seeing my insecurity for what it is - lack of faith and trust in God and his Word.

I'm not going to argue for or against women in leadership/women pastoring. If you want to hear the sermon I'm listening to, go to www.vineyardrichmond.com and select "sermons". Launch the sermon player, and play the sermon titled "#yourenotthebossofme". I hope that I keep bumping into uncomfortable, stretching teachings as I grow. My favorite line from the sermon this past week was "If you want to be comfortable, Jesus isn't for you". I'm done with comfortable. I want to be moved. I want to see greater things.

Cherished - January '12

I'm going to try not to cry while I write this one. When you pray for God to show His glory, it should come as no suprise when it actually happens. This past week, I felt like asking God to show me His glory in the visit this week. I felt weird about it though, and only did it once before today. Then this afternoon it came to mind again and I was suddenly SO excited about this visit. It was probably between 4:00-5:00. I started praying for God to go ahead of us in a huge way, to show His hand at work in a way that would be unmistakable and awesome. And He did.

Natalie Clemmons, a woman I've looked up to for years as a lover of Jesus, graciously agreed to come with me this week. It was her first time, and I'm excited to hear her perspective (I didn't have time to chat after we did the outreach) of the visit. I made "pie pops" (mini-pie-on-a-stick) for the bouncers and the gifts for the girls were fun headbands and clips that had rosettes and feathers on them. In the car before the visit, she asked what I wanted to express to the girls, what mission she should be trying to get across. I told her that I want them to know God loves them. I'm not trying to get them to leave their jobs or do anything. I think that the people there are all trying to get something out everyone else. The men want to feed their addiction and loneliness, and have to pay for it. The women want money and approval, and pay for it with their dignity and self-worth. Everything costs something. I want them to know God's love costs NOTHING. It just is.

When we walked in, something felt off. The guys were not sitting in their usual seats by the door. The regular bartender was there though, and he quickly explained that the manager, other bartender, and head bouncer had all quit the day before and were starting a new business together (not a strip club). He said the "D" the dj, was now acting manager and no one really knows what's going on. We chatted with him for a while about his other job, and I greeted and chatted with the waitress "S" as she walked by. She's very shy, but very sweet. I've run into her a couple of times at stores in town and she always smiles and says hi. I saw a guy sitting at a table eating, and the bartender told me he was the new bouncer, "C ". I decided not to approach him while he was eating, but as we walked by, he stopped us and asked if we were dancers and where we were going. When Natalie and I explained what we were doing, he asked if we were with Bruised Reed and Southland, because he had met those ladies while working in a club in Lexington. He quit for a while, working as an electrician, but is having trouble making ends meet, so he's back to bouncing clubs. He was very nice, and offered us some of the fruit he brought to eat. :-) We went into the dressing room, and I was disappointed to find it empty. We started to put the gifts on the counter when a new girl walked in. I didn't realize how long it's been since I explained what I was there to do until I got to say, "We just wanted you to know that God loves you, and we love you, and wanted to give you a gift." She started telling us about herself, she recently moved here and actually mentioned church. We asked if she had found one and then told her about Vineyard. She was SO excited. She said she had been looking up churches to visit and said more than once that it's so perfect we came tonight. She asked if we had drums at our church, because she can't go to a church that doesn't have drums. We told her the Vineyard is right up her alley! She told us that her boyfriend doesn't like her working there, but she makes good money. She said no one at her church knew/knows what she does, except for her dad. I told her she was welcome at our church, and she said "It's ok to have a stripper come?" and we told her definitely! I told her we wanted to see her grow in a relationship with Jesus. We gave her a card with the church service times on it, our names, my number and the church website. PLEASE pray that she and her boyfriend make it to church this Sunday.

After we finished talking to "N", we met "Sam". She is new as well, and mentioned that she got this job for the money, but she had wanted a factory job. I told her to check out Hitachi, and gave her the name of a good temp service as well, on a card with my email address on it. She has a little baby and enjoys having a job she makes money at so she can buy him things. She also told us that her baby's daddy died last year, but didn't go into any details. She has some family around her to be support, but please pray that she follows up on the info I gave her and looks into a new job.

We met a third new girl who was very friendly, and may have been on something. But as we left she shouted "Thank you so much!" across the dressing room.

I was able to poke my head in the office and say hello to "D" as we left. I said something about him being the boss, and he said "No way! Just until we figure out what we're doing!". Everything seems to be up in the air. Two girls that I love so much were in there with him being griped out for something, but they gave me hugs before I left. I did overhear "Sam" say how much she likes "D" being in charge because he's so much nicer than the previous manager, so it's good to know the girls are being treated better. After that we headed out the door.

It was so encouraging, so amazing. To hear "N" say over and over how perfect it was that we came tonight when she's been looking for a church, and be able to give job info to a girl who wanted a different job. Who knows what God's doing? Keep praying!

An Unexpected Blessing

For a while now, I've been wanting to give the girls who work at the club the book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this, please stop what you are doing and download it onto your kindle or nook, get it from the library, or head to the nearest bookstore. It is the greatest love story every written: the love story between you and God. Mrs. Rivers wrote this book based on the book of Hosea in the bible, in which God called Hosea to marry a prostitute. She continually left him and cheated on him, and he continued to love and bring back from her bondage. He did this to show His children that even though they were unfaithful, he still wanted them, chased after them, and loved them.

Back to my story.

Last Sunday I told a dear friend who prays for the Cherished minstry about wanting to do this as a gift some month. It will end up costing a bit more than we usually spend on the gifts, but I figured that I could round up a few people who would want to buy a book to donate. I knew she would be one of them, and found out she had never read Redeeming Love. I told her how great it is and that she should pick it up sometime. This Sunday she grabbed me and told me she was almost done reading it. She loves this book, and has been recommending it to her friends. Then she told me that she wanted to donate enough to buy almost all the books we'd need. She told me how much this book was affecting her, and that if just one girl actually read it all the way through and understood how much God loves her, it would be worth it.

I cried right there in the foyer.

God is so faithful. I was expecting to have to do a little more work to gather the money for the books, and in one fell swoop, through one person, God made it clear that He's got this. We're going to give them at the end of February, and I can't wait!

Lists are a fabulous idea.

As there is little to no chance of me making all the random blog ideas in my head calm down and become a nicely packaged post, I will succumb to the beauty and ease of lists. I love lists.

Notes from Christmas 2011:

• Every year I try to buy or listen to (thank you Spotify!) a new Christmas album. This year I probably spent the most time listening to This Warm December: A Brushfire Holiday Vol. 2. Contrary to many reviews I've read (mostly the two from Relevant), I do not really enjoy Rogue Wave. I did however, love the songs by G. Love. The Christmas Cookies song made me think of my parents, and I just like the swingy, hillbilly feel. I also listened to A Very She & Him Christmas and I didn't love it at first. It did grow on me though, and I was just past indifferent by the time Christmas rolled around. I love Zooey, but sometimes she's not quite my style. I tried to listen to TobyMac's new Christmas album, and decided that if I ever need to wind my 3 year old up any more than he already was around Christmas, that is the music to accomplish it. Needless to say, we did not revisit that one.
• I was extremely spoiled this Christmas. My amazing husband suprised me with a guitar! I didn't ask for it, but had mentioned a couple of times that I need/want to learn to play. I really didn't even consider getting my own, I was trying to decide who I would borrow one from. TJ is the best at figuring out what I would love without me even realizing it. We were at my parents for the Wood family Christmas and when we were completely done, he brought it out with a bow on the case. I cried. And then "pling-pling-plinged" for the rest of the day, to everyone's delight.
• We were in Ashland for Christmas Eve, and were able to go to TJ's grandparents church for their candlight Christmas Eve service. It was wonderful. I was a little in and out with Stella, who felt that the service needed some commentary, but it was great. I was in the foyer when they passed the "wine" part of communion, and one of the elders actually brought it to me. I was really touched. I also appreciated that in a full house, when Stella did make noise and jabber, I never got the feeling that anyone was annoyed or bothered by the interruption or bother. Only smiles from everyone who turned to see where the noise was coming from. Now granted, my baby is the cutest baby ever, but still. I only felt welcome at this church, and it was so nice to visit a different part of Christ's body and feel that unity and love.
• I think my favorite was having our own little Christmas on Christmas morning. We had come home late Christmas Eve night, and then slept in. When we all woke up and had some coffee (milk for Siah) we sat on the couch and read the Christmas story out of Josiah's bible story book. Then we let him open his presents from us (my favorite was the set of wooden cars that can be put together in several different ways) and then we had pancakes and relaxed. Later we watched The Lion King together in my and TJ's room, which is special because the kids aren't generally allowed in our room, much less our bed. It was so fun snuggling up as a family. Josiah lost interest and played with a toy he brought with him, but I loved it. I was asked to stop saying all the lines with the movie, but other than that, it was great.

Notes from January 2012:

• New Year's Eve was pretty fun - we had a Star Wars Fiesta. Which just means that we got a large amount of queso from Casa and then had a Star Wars marathon in the basement. TJ had spent the week between Christmas and New Year's working in the basement, rewiring electric and putting up insulation and walls in the "rec room" area of the basement. It looks great. He primed the wall that the projector projects on so that we had a good canvas to watch the movie on, and then we pulled the king-sized mattress that Joe and Kelsey were recently given in to the middle area and settle in to watch the epic battle between good and evil in a galaxy far, far away. We decided to watch them in production order, as the older ones are far superior. When Josiah was given a wooden sword (from a friend who visited a renaissance festival recently), he told me that he was a Jedi. :-) I love it.
• Life at church just hasn't slowed down at all. We took over another store in the mall next us and turned it into a new, much larger children's church area. It turned out very nice. This Sunday we move into 3 services, and I'm on worship. I'm really excited about it, and super thankful to my biggest brother for being willing to help us with the kids while I'm serving and TJ serves with the ushers and design team this week. It's so nice being near family to help out with stuff like this.
• I'm not one to make resolutions. I was talking over coffee with one of my favorite friends this week and did mention my ambition, goal, determination to curb my tongue. I've come to realize that I say "I need" a lot about things that I might not really need. It seems that in the same breath I'm grateful about something, I see and vocalize the next thing I need to make it better, go with it, etc. I really don't feel that I'm discontented, but I don't want to talk that way and teach my children that nothing is ever enough. It's fine, I think, to have a plan of things to do or maybe get in the future, but I want to make sure I am fully content and thankful for all the things God's given me, and that my kids learn to be happy with and grateful for everything they have. I also want to really be aware of and curb the way I talk about myself, i.e. my body image. I know that there are very few, if any women who are perfectly happy with their body/looks. And if I want to strive to be healthy and fit, that's great. But I really want to be aware of and stop the times I find myself comparing myself to others and becoming dissatisfied. I read a quote by (of all people!) Denise Richards, in which she said that she will not talk badly about her body in front of her daughters, because she doesn't want to teach them that theirs isn't good enough and they shouldn't be happy with themselves. And I feel exactly the same way. I want Stella to be content, not freaking out about whether she looks like the latest "it" girl. So I guess my resolution would be to be more content and thankful, and teaching my children to be the same way.

Well those are all the notes I can think of at the moment. I'd love to hear your goals or resolutions!

Cherished Outreach - December

It's been 2 years this month.

It's gone so fast. I don't feel like I've been going into the club every month for the last 2 years, but I have. God has brought me to a completely different mindset about this ministry than I had two years ago, or even last year. I think I've kind of (at least I hope) gotten past worrying about what the results are going to be. As in, am I ever going to help a girl quit this job, this life? I've been reminded and understand that I have nothing to do with it. Only God can bring change into such a dark prison as this lifestyle. I think I've also been able to hang onto the hope that the visits and hugs and conversations we have are more meaningful than I'm aware of. I hope, and depend on God's promise that His word will not return empty, but accomplish what He desires and achieve the purpose for which He sent it (Isaiah 55:11). I've also come to understand that for a lot of these women it's so much more than just quitting a job. That sometimes, when there's sin or unhealthy habits and behaviors in our lives, God has to work on the circumstances that keep us going back to it before he turns our attention to that specific sin or behavior. I got the opportunity this week to talk to a girl who has a friend who dances. She wanted to know how to talk to her friend and encourage her away from this lifestyle in a loving, effective way. While I was talking to her I was able to share that I've learned there is so much more to dancing than just a job. At least there is for a lot of the women I've met. Many of them have built their friendships, community and lives around the place they work. To just up and quit would mean so much more than just leaving a typical 9-5 job. Now that's not all of them, but for the women I've gotten close to in the past couple of years, it's true. So to try to quit without spending time around people who encourage you will be extremely difficult. So it's one step at a time. My hope now is that they know that God loves them, and I can build a relationship with them when they're not working.

Back to the visit tonight. Diana Brosius was so wonderful this month. She single-handedly came up with our gift of handmade, glitter ornaments (thank you Pinterest!). They turned out super-cute, and because we coated them with glitter on the inside they won't shed everywhere! I'm going to have to make some of my own next year. It was easy and fun. Hairmaster (Stephanie) Liby also donated free haircuts for the girls, so please pray that some of them call her and get their hair done. Last time we had 2 people use the cards, so pray that more take that step and let themselves be pampered and loved on. We also made chocolate drop cookies for the guys who were working. It was raining all day today, and bad weather usually means a lot more customers for the club. Not sure why, although I could probably come up with some theories. We didn't get there until 6:30 (we usually get there closer to 6, right after they open) so I expected a busy atmosphere, but there were only 2-3 girls there and 1-2 customers. Anyway, we went in and chatted with "M" the bouncer about his family's Christmas plans. I invited them to church, but they'll be out of town all day. We headed to the dressing room and got a quick hug and "Hey!" from one of the girls who was running back and forth. She did stop long enough to say open a gift and a card and was really excited and happy about it. "P" was the only other girl in the dressing room and I realized that she was one of the girls I met on the first night 2 years ago. I asked how her kids were doing, (they live with a relative who has custody) and she said she hadn't talked to them in a while. She acted very matter-of-fact and breezy about it, and said the relative is mad at her about child support. "It'll be fine once I send some money to her," she said. I asked how long it had been since she had seen them, and she said, "Two years". The she grabbed her phone, checked the date, and said, "Two years tomorrow". Her voice changed a little bit and for just a second you could see some of her pain. She changed the subject and we talked about her plans to be with her boyfriend for Christmas and what movie they wanted to see. I invited her to church for Christmas or New Year's but she said she'd probably be hungover. Honestly, I'm glad she said it. I'm so grateful to be trusted with the truth than to have her hedge and say 'sure yeah' and not come.

The dj came into the dressing room to say hi and we chatted a little with him about his move to another town nearby. His dad recently died and he has been busy packing up the basement in his dad's house, which also flooded while his dad was in the hospital. I expressed sympathy, but he seems pretty ok with everything. He said again that he'll "be in church soon", but we'll see. I know he means it, but I know how easy excuses can crowd out good intentions. We'll just keep after him.

And that was it. I went home knowing it was a good visit, but just sad knowing a lot of these women don't get to be with their kids or all their family for Christmas. And regardless of the reasons for that, it still hurts. It's reminded me to pray for people who don't have the happy, joyous holiday I do. I hope you do too.

Jessie's Must-See Christmas Movies

I hate to state the obvious, but this will be a list of my favorite Christmas movies.

1. While You Were Sleeping - My family watches this movie every year. It is a die-hard (am I right?) Wood tradition. There is nothing not to love about it. "Are you ok? 'Cuz it looked like he was, ya know... Leaning." My dad is constantly throwing out "John Wayne was a tall man" when our family conversations get totally convoluted. :-) There is also the awesome scene of a newpaper kid wiping out on his bike.

Favorite Quote: "I don't want any flowers from you, I am not wearing black underwear, and I definitely do not want to move in with you, Jo.. JACK."

2. White Christmas - Classic. Enough said. ~ Ok, of course I have things to say. I have been watching (most) of this movie every year since I was a child. We had a VHS recording (pirated off tv) of White Christmas that somehow was missing the last quarter of the movie. So for me, it usually ended soon after the "Choreography" number. Which I LOVED because of Judy's awesome outfit. My other favorite part was when Judy did the rehearsal dance with random dance guy right before they realize that Betty's leaving. My other favorite part is when the guys dress up and do "Sisters". Danny Kaye is hilarious. *Sidenote, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was also awesome - although now I want to see The Court Jester, because according to Wikipedia it is his most accomplished performance.

Favorite quote: "How does a guy that ugly have the nerve to have sisters?" - "Very brave parents."

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - I'm not going to make some grand sweeping statement here like, "Jim Carey at his best", because I don't have time to go into that kind of argument or the research and thought required. But it could be. It's at least in his top 3. Regardless, I love love his Grinch and Christine Baranski's well-placed sighs of longing and regret, along with Molly Shannon's wonderfully casual theft of a traffic light for her Christmas decorations make it just that much better. But I think my favorite is Jim Carey's impersonation of Ron Howard as he tells Max how to play Rudolph. So awesome.

Favorite Quote: "We're gonna die! We're gonna die! I'm gonna throw up, and then I'm gonna die!" *Sidenote: I said this a lot during my pregnancy with Stella.

4. Four Christmases - And now we come to a new personal favorite. It's been on tv a lot, so I hope I don't get burnt out on it, but I love Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon, and Jon Favreau, and Kristin Chenowith. And Tim McGraw. And Mary Steenburgen. And Robert Duvall. And especially Katy Mixon. At some point this Christmas I will be doing my impersonation of her character. Especially if we play taboo: "This game is so easy."Her accent is the BEST.

Favorite quote: "I'd also like to give myself another gift. The gift of a scheduled c-section that goes routinely." - "Don't most women want to have a baby naturally?" - "Yeah, most women who haven't done it before!" also, "YEA-YUS!" (during taboo game).

5. Home Alone - I haven't seen this one in forever, but it makes me cry at the end and I remember laughing so hard I couldn't breathe when I was younger.

Favorite Quote: "Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here alone? I don't think so."

6. The Santa Clause - I have a very special place in my heart for the Tool Man, and he did not disappoint in this movie. I prefer his reluctant, scroogy Santa to any other Scrooge, and that includes Bill Murray. Oh yeah. I went there.

Favorite Quote: (referring to the reindeer) "These are...a gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas."

7. A Christmas Story - Another one I haven't seen in a long time, but a good one. I don't think there is much to say about this, except that the narrator is my favorite. That guy deserves an Oscar. So does whoever wrote the script. I should probably check to see if they did if I'm going to make statements like that. :-) This is another one that is hard to pick just one favorite quote from.

Favorite Quote: "Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving."

8. Miracle on 34th Street - There are things to love about each version, but the one I enjoy watching the most is the newer one with Elizabeth Perkins and the little girl from Matilda. I do love Maureen O'Hara, but her Doris was a little too harsh for me. I really like Elizabeth Perkins. And Natalie Wood is a great Maria, but you can't touch Matilda. Although now that American Horror Story is a thing, I'm not sure I can watch Dylan McDermott the same way. And to be honest, he's a touch creepy in the 1994 version. I did love Dark Blue though. That was a good show.

Favorite Quote: "We're going to get the catalog house, right. That's what I wanted. He took the picture from me and told me he will get it. I'm sorry Mother, but you are wrong."

9. Die Hard (see, I was making a joke earlier) - Nothing says "deck the halls" like jumping off a roof tied to a fire hose. (Not original with me, but I love that line, and it is so true). He saved everyone. Merry Christmas.

Favorite Quote: "Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister." and "Yippe-ki-yay, M**-F**." (I know it's a bad line, but it's become a classic and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I like it.)

Now obviously, there are some typical favorites that didn't even make my list. Elf is great, but it's not a must-see for me. It's just on tv way too much. I've never been in love with It's a Wondeful Life or any version of A Christmas Carol and I couldn't tell you why. And I just noticed that there are only 9 movies on my list. What movie would you add?

Cherished Outreach - November

Tonight was short, but very sweet.

Andi came with me again, and this month our gift to each girl was an individual pie-in-a-jar. They turned out pretty cute, and we wrapped them in ribbon and glued scrapbook paper to the lid with a note that said: "A(n) Cherry/Pumpkin/Apple Pie especially for you. We love you. Happy Thanksgiving".

I have to say I had a wonderful time making the pies with our associate pastor's wife, DeeAnn Miller. We baked together and then prayed over the women who would be receiving these gifts, and it was wonderful. I can't wait for next month's prep night to get together with more women to prepare and pray over gifts.

We walked in and chatted with the dj for a few minutes. I pushed him about all his promises to come to church sometime. I told him about going to three services, and he said a 12 service would be perfect for them. We'll see - keep praying for him. As I was talking to him, I spotted "C" who was in the hospital last month. I ran over and talked to her - she was a little stand-offish. She was perfectly friendly, but she's been warmer than that before. She said she's feeling much better. Apparently she had a heart attack, and heart disease runs in her family. She's feeling better but has to go back to the hospital weekly for tests to make sure she's ok. It hasn't affected her custody issues, which I was really praying for. I'm still praying for something to happen in her life that wrecks it and brings her to Jesus. While we were talking to her, 3 girls I didn't recognize came in, but when we went to the dressing room they weren't in there. I heard a few months ago that there were "new girls" that were having serious friction and physical fights with the "old girls" and that the "new girls" get dressed in the bathroom. But I didn't feel like we should chase them down. We chatted with a bartender in the dressing room for a few minutes about her Thanksgiving plans and then headed out. She's a sweetheart, and mentioned that she doesn't like the holidays but didn't elaborate or seem to want to go into it.

It was a good visit. Nothing monumental, but a sweet visit. Jesus, move in that place.

Upcoming Cherished Visit

I'm so excited about the gifts for this month's Cherished visit. We're doing individual pie-in-a-jar's!

http://www.ourbestbites.com/2009/09/single-serving-pie-in-a-jar/

Psalm 18:19

This past weekend TJ and I went on a movie date - so much fun to get away together! - and we decided to see Real Steel. (J. Edgar wasn't at our theater for some reason, but I still really want to see that one.) It totally surprised me, I loved it. I laughed, I cried, I hated Hugh Jackman, I loved Hugh Jackman. In fact, the only thing that made me feel better during the first 1/3 of the movie was knowing that he seems to be a good dad in real life. Basically, the movie follows a deadbeat dad who sells his son to the kid's aunt, but has to watch him for 2 months while she goes on a vacation. He's into robot fighting, and the kid (who loves robot fights) forces his dad to take him along. Obviously it's a heart-wrenching, heart-warming tale of a father and son reconnecting. I really liked the ending, because it would be asking a lot to assume that there is an obvious answer to a complicated family dynamic like this. Well, actually it is simple, but not what I immediately dreaded the answer was going to be.

Anyway.

What really got to me was during a fight when the dad is telling his son that the best thing for him is to go live with his aunt and her husband, and he asks, "What do you want from me?" And the kid says, "I want you to fight for me!"

And my first thought was, I'm sure that's how all abandoned and abused kids feel. And I can't wait to have a child someday, even knowing that I can never explain why their biological parents didn't/couldn't fight for them, and that I can't fill that void. But I know what I'll say: God did, and he can. He fought for you, and I fought for you. And he will keep fighting for you, and so will I.

And then I thought, me too. I want someone to fight for me. There is a chapter in my bible that I wrote "God and Me" on a long time ago. I recently rediscovered it, and a verse I underlined in that chapter says, "he rescued me because he delighted in me". And I love that, because I know that I needed rescuing. Rescuing from sin, from myself, from the life that I thought was best for me. Thank God he knew when to step in and save me from myself. And I'm thankful he continues to do it when I start to make plans all my own. I don't know that we'll adopt. Right now it's a dream of mine, but it's in the future, and I don't know what God has planned between now and then. But if it's his will, we'll do the best we can to show someone that we will always fight for them, and that there is a God who loves them and fought with everything he had just for them.

Just... no.

What a crappy day.

It honestly wasn't a crappy day, just a crappy evening. Josiah decided to bring a bad attitude to the table, some plans I had been depending on fell through, and I didn't get as much of my list done as I planned because I had to deal with Stella's social security card.

Sidebar story: Last week we realized that we have no idea where Stella's social security card is. I can't find it ANYWHERE, and was very worried that I lost it, or someone stole it and is out there buying houses and boats and great shoes with Stella's number. How horrible to steal a 5-month-old's identity. I found a form from the hospital (signed by a nurse and everything) that stated the hospital would be applying for the card and it should be at our house in 5-6 weeks. My child is now 5 months old, and I have no recollection of such a card. I would blame this on my pretty faulty memory, but my husband, whose memory is excellent, does not remember seeing it either. And if he doesn't remember seeing it, it didn't come. So after calling the hospital, who directed me to Frankfort, who put me through the most obnoxious voice-activated menu system EVER, I finally connected with the SS office here in Richmond. That's social security, not secret nazi police. What did the second S stand for? It must have been in German. Anyway. They were very nice and told me to bring her birth certificate and a record of her shots or her bracelet from the hospital. I brought every form the hospital sent me home with, her bracelets and mine. After taking the kids all the way down there, corralling Josiah and keeping him from getting run over in the parking lot, I get a number, make small talk with people in the waiting room (who inform me that I need to make sure he does not hold his toy dinosaur while we're driving, as he could get hurt if I brake too fast - thank you, self-appointed traffic police) I get to the glass partition, start explaining my reason for being here and realize that I forgot her birth certificate. The lady very nicely looks at all my other information to get the ball rolling anyway, and then tells me they need her most current shot records. Luckily, our doctor's office is right across the road from the SS (that's social security) office. So I wrangle the infant carrier and 3-year-old back into the car, drive across the road, haul them in, wait in line, and find out that I can't get the records until tomorrow. I am actually happy to hear that. I now have no reason to go home, get the birth certificate, and do this all over again. Thank you for your help, I'm getting myself some yogurt from McDonald's.

BUT. My husband will be home from work early tonight, so we can hang out together at a decent hour. My kids are finally both in bed asleep, and Josiah hasn't tried to make up excuses to get up. (Some frequent ones include: need to go potty, need juice, need baby Stellabella, need a hug, need a kiss, and need to go potty again.) I'm going to make myself a cup of hot tea and relax now. Deep breath.

My To-Do List:

1. Finish laundry (for the day... like that's ever going to be finished!)
2. Second coat of paint on edges in kitchen (white over gray requires 2 coats)
3. Clean kitchen
4. Clean bathroom
5. Dust
6. Sweep/mop main floor
7. Make a couple of calls, respond to emails, etc.
8. Set out food for dinner

*Sigh. This is doable. And both kids went down for their nap 20 minutes ago, so I'd better quit wasting time on the internet and get after it. Somehow though, after putting out there for others to see, I'm more motivated than just looking at the paper list I made on my planner. :-)

Matt Hammitt - All Of Me (Single) w/ Lyrics

For National Adoption Month - I hope that if we are blessed to adopt a child, I never lose sight of the message of this song during the process.

Who's that girl..... It's Jess!

Well, we had a wonderful first Halloween in our first house. I wanted to take both of the kids trick or treating, but it ended up being in the middle of Stella's nap, and she's pretty fussy lately. I think her gums are sore, and when it ended up being chilly I was glad I didn't bring her.

I had the sweetest trick-or-treater though. After about 3 houses he stopped being shy, and was asking to go to "that house!". He's usually not scared of anything, but he wasn't crazy about the scary music several houses played. As soon as we would get close, he would start telling me there was scary music, but he still wanted to go. He was dedicated to the candy. :-) He got really good at "twick or tweat" after which he would say "thank you" and "Happy Ha-ween". He also got pretty excited when we saw a kid dressed up like Spiderman. We passed him at one house, and Siah kept saying, "Hey Spiderman! Spiderman! Hey! Wait for me!" He is so cute. My personal favorite was the house that had a parrot and a parakeet. The owners dressed up like pirates, and each had a bird on their shoulder. It took some time to convince Siah they were real birds. The creepiest house by far was the one that the funeral director lives at. He opened up the back of his hearse, and had a super-scary grim reaper outfit on, scary music, AND a vulture statue sitting beside him. But I tried not to judge and he seemed nice. I got to meet 3 of our neighbors for the first time and on the whole, grew to love our neighborhood even more.

I am also super-excited that there are new episodes of New Girl. I really want to make the theme song my ringtone. Or maybe everyone I call should make it the ringtone for when I call them. "Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess!" And it will be!

God is not joking around.

I feel very shell-shocked about the evening we just had. I hope that in my excitement my grammar and spelling are still legible.

I was told that a dear friend was praying specifically that we would have a breakthrough tonight, and I really feel like God answered her prayer. Tonight Andi Moore came with me, and she was so great. We walked in and there were already a few customers talking to the bouncers, so we briefly said hi and gave the bouncers the cookies I made before we went to the girls. I did get a chance to talk to the bouncer whose wife I might be able to meet with, and he let me know when a good time to meet with her would be and said she would be interested in meeting up, so I'm going to email her tomorrow.

We met 2 new girls, "J" and "L". This is L's first time working in the club, but she has family that work there too, so I fear it will be very difficult for her to leave once she gets sucked in. But prayer is more powerful than we know. Both J and L were very friendly and we connected on kids, pets, etc. The gifts this month were autumn stenciled pails that you put tealight candles in, which we filled with tissue paper, a cookie, some flowers and one of the Cherished cards that had a verse about love on it. Everyone liked the gifts. We then went to talk to "H" and "A", who were a little stand-offish last month, and they were very friendly and talkative. They seem guarded though, as if they like or don't mind the job. But they were friendly, and that was progress, especially for A.

We then headed to the dressing room and I ran into a girl, "S", who I met almost 2 years ago. We exchanged phone numbers, but then hers was disconnected and I never heard from her again. She immediately remembered me and asked for my phone number. She said she doesn't have any friends and she'd like to hang out. She's going through custody issues with her children, so I told her we'd be praying for the whole situation. Please pray that the system does what's right for the kids. I invited her to church and she seemed pretty receptive, and really wants to hang out, which is great. "M" was on the phone in an argument with someone while I was talking to "S", and as we got ready to leave, I went up to her and asked if she was ok. She said she has had better nights, and I told her I could see that. :-) I told her I would be praying for her, and she said thank you. Then I squeezed her arm and told her I loved her, and she said, "I know." I cannot express to you what that means to me. She told me she loved me too and then we headed out. Even more than her saying she loves me is knowing that she really GETS that I love her, and hopefully, that God loves her.

So we're heading out and I tap on the dj's door as we walk by his booth to say hi/bye. He was introducing a girl on the stage, but motioned for us to stop. Then he proceeded to tell me about a serious situation with a girl I know pretty well, who has been in the hospital for a week. She was in a medically induced coma and is supposedly being released soon. He wanted to give me her contact information as soon as he could get it, so "someone could maybe get through to her and get her out of this life". Wow. I was heartbroken to hear about her situation, as she's been working really hard to put her life back together - the details are hazy about whether she was in the hospital due to her own decisions, or if it was unintentional. The dj has all my contact info and said he would try to get me in touch with her before she ended back up in the club "because by then, it's too late" - his words. Please, please pray that I can get in touch with her and that God uses this to be the rock bottom she may need to completely change her life.

I can't even think straight, because I'm still processing this night. There is so much to pray for and hope for, but so much brokenness. Every visit makes me love them more.